I have now been a solo pastor for over 9 months. It is amazing how full-time church ministry changes a person. My perspectives are different, my idealism a bit more grounded, my expectations more 'earthy', and my passion in constant need of renewal. The struggles--personal, relational, supernatural, spiritual--are endless. While I needed the grace of Jesus in all my previous occupations (secular or otherwise), there is no job that convinces a person of their utter helplessness and need of Christ's grace quite like the ministry.
Currently I am sitting in an office at Bair Lake Bible Camp, where I serve on the board and direct one of the weeks of Summer camp. The morning worship hour has just ended, and the camp staff are hurrying to get the grounds ready for the group of kids that will be arriving in a few hours. The last 24 hours have been intense, and the next 6 days will be even more so. I stole a few brief minutes to deal with a problem that has been gnawing at me last night, and evening more severely this morning.
The problem? Well.........it's my difficulty in letting go. My thoughts are back home with my church. At 9:00 AM I usually unlock the church doors. I then run off copies for the adult Sunday school class, or perhaps fold some bulletins. I then go to my office for an extended time of prayer over my congregants by name, and then pray over and through my sermon for the morning.
By 9:30 am people start showing up. Two families, in particular, are my 'early birds'--and I look forward to spending time talking with them.
9:35 am - most of the key leaders and Sunday school teachers have arrived. The place is bustling with everyone running last minutes errands or seeking me out for questions or clarifications.
9:45 am - The Sunday school opening starts...sometimes without me because I am talking or praying with a congregant about an issue or a need.
9:50 am - I rush to get into the SS opening to do the opening prayer and sing along with the children.
9:55 am - the Sword Drill begins, and Becky Fettig--an adult who has not lost her sword drill abilities--is always the first to stand up and read the verse.
10:00 am - the individual Sunday School classes begin, and I hand out the questions for my class of Senior saints. We have enjoyed going through the book of Genesis the last few months.
10:45 am - SS dismisses, and I mingle--or perhaps slip back to my office to pray one last time. People constantly come to me to have me make an announcement or mention some other detail.
11:00 - I go to the pulpit and officially begin the service. We worship, prayer, and learn from God's word.
12:05 - I try my hardest to get to newcomers before they leave. Usually I am not able to, as our regular attenders are in need of counsel or encouragement. Realizing the need to connect with visitors, I have asked my wife to sit in the back pew. She can engage them, and get contact information, before they slip out.
1:00 pm - Usually people have all left. Unless we are off to lunch with someone, I spend a moment alone in the pew - praising God for the day, and asking for his strength to make it through the evening.
And this morning, my mind is with my church. I can imagine what they are doing, who is sitting where, the smiles, the frowns, the tears, the laughter. I can sense who is going to get frustrated with who, who will probably eat lunch together, who will get up during the sermon to go the bathroom, who will fall asleep, and who will be actively listening.
Above all else, I wish to be there. It is strange. I was looking forward to being away for a Sunday. I wanted the break. But now that I am not there all I want is to be back. This week will bring enough of its own troubles, and a host of joys. I will minister to 120 teenagers, 40 adults, and even have 3 sessions of marital counseling. I will--in 4 days--have over 75 one-on-one counseling sessions, lead 10 devotions, oversee 10 worship services, and direct the day-to-day events.
But...my heart is with 90 people in Northern Michigan.
Prayer:
Merciful Father, thank you for letting me realize I am not needed. Help me lead my people to a dependence upon only you. Thank you for giving me this ministry, this task, this humble service. My heart belongs to you, and you have put in it an endless love for my flock. You are the shepherd, and I only your errand boy. May I serve faithfully to your glory. Amen.