Some years ago I had a difficult ministry experience. Though no ‘bridges were burned’, the ministry we committed ourselves to proved to be a poor fit. A year earlier we left family, friends, and home and moved to embark on a new journey for the Lord’s glory. A year later we returned penniless, virtually homeless, and unsure of our next step. Frankly, it was rather humiliating. By God’s grace, our church family of over 10 years was supportive and unconditionally loving through this dark period. I returned to seminary, poured myself into my studies, and began volunteering considerably at church. The dark cloud began to lift…or so I thought.
I received a phone call from a friend telling me he and his wife had purchased a new home and he couldn’t wait for us to come over and see it. As we walked through the home, he excitedly showed off its many impressive features. Large rooms, finished basement, formal dinning room, ample kitchen, efficient heating system, attractive professional landscaping---it was a beautiful home. During the tour I felt something growing inside me. Jealously is the wrong word, because what I felt was pure rage. I made an excuse and quickly left. I remember gripping the steering wheel on the ride home, my eyes burning with angry tears. I didn’t have a home. My ministry ended in failure. I had three children who knew nothing of stability because I had not yet “arrived”. I wasn’t even sure how I was going to pay rent that month. Though he was my dear friend, in that moment I hated him…jealous of the blessings God had bestowed upon him. I knew it was wrong, but at that moment I didn’t care. I couldn’t rejoice in my friend’s joy because an evil had clouded my vision. My “eye” had become evil.
In the passage quoted something similar has happened. Faithful servants of the landowner have become jealous of his generosity to other employees. They felt they were more deserving. Someone once said that jealousy is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It festers inside us and, like a cancer, begins to consume. Like me, those servants believed they deserved God’s blessings—at least more so than others. We enter spiritually dangerous territory the moment we begin to think we deserve something because of our time, diligence, or commitment to Christ.
Soren Kierkegaard understood something of the proper attitude believers. He once wrote, “I am a poor wretch whom God took charge of, and…I only long for the peace of eternity in order to do nothing but thank him.” (Kierkegaard, The Journals). The cure for jealousy is the proper understanding of our condition (we are “poor wretches”). As I have embraced this view of self I am noticing something wonderful: I am now capable of rejoicing in the blessings others receive. I am thankful for the blessings the Lord gives. They are wonderful, but I don’t need them. I have all I’ll ever need----I have him! For all eternity I shall thank him for that precious gift.
Genuine honesty...very dangerous for a professional holy man, but essential for a true servant of God.
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