Calvinism - the secret to a better you

The following may or may not be an actual paid advertisement for Calvinism. All perceived representations or similarities to real persons are purely accidental (oh.....I mean providentially planned).

"I used to adhere to Arminianism, but that left me feeling weak and flabby. I didn't have any joy or energy and I was mentally and physically exhausted because of all the choices I had to make. Chewing on whether to say 'yes' to this or 'no' to that made my jaw hurt. I once even tried the new "Emergent" variety of Arminianism. The wrapper looked great and it tasted really sweet at first, but it left me with a bloated sensation that brought about sporadic periods of vomiting.

But then I discovered Calvinism. Sure, the meaty doctrines of grace were a little difficult to swallow at first, but I soon noticed some awesome changes. After the initial burning sensation wore off, I totally started to bulk up. Look at me now, my puny free-will friends. Switch to Calvinism, and you could be like me."

Calvinism:
It's nutritious and delicious

[To reassure my shocked congregants, no--I did not write this. It comes as compliments of my dear friend "Matt the Maniac" in Grand Rapids]. LOL